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Short Drunks / Bars / Drinking Jokes - The Funniest Short Jokes and One Liners

"I'll never amount to anything in life", said one friend "In fact, my uncle is the town drunk."
"Well... that's not too bad", replied the other "Where does your uncle live?"
"New York City"
(3.0 stars, 15 votes)

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
(3.2 stars, 24 votes)

A grasshopper walks into a bar, bartender says, "Hey we have a drink named after you."
Grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Larry?"
(2.9 stars, 24 votes)

They say that alcohol kills slowly. So who's in a such a hurry?
(3.7 stars, 27 votes)

A pair of glasses walks into to a pub. He asked the bar man for a drink and the bar man replies:
I am not serving you, you're off your head.
(3.0 stars, 27 votes)

Man goes to the doctor and says doctor, I can't stop my hands from shaking!
Doctor replies Do you drink much?
Man says No, I spill most of it!
(3.6 stars, 28 votes)

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
(3.2 stars, 28 votes)

If she's still ugly, have another beer.
(3.4 stars, 29 votes)

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
(3.3 stars, 29 votes)

How many drunks does it take to change a light bulb?
2, one to hold the bulb and the other to drink until the room spins.
(3.3 stars, 29 votes)

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
(3.8 stars, 30 votes)

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
(3.8 stars, 33 votes)

Drunk drivers run stop signs, high drivers wait for them to turn green.
(4.1 stars, 36 votes)

Alcohol doesn't make you FAT... it makes you LEAN... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people!
(4.1 stars, 46 votes)

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