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Funny Quotes, Citations and Sayings - The Funniest Short Jokes and One Liners

Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. (Bruce Friedman)
(3.4 stars, 10 votes)

If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.
George Gobel
(4.3 stars, 11 votes)

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
Carol Leifer
(4.2 stars, 11 votes)

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. (Ken Dodd)
(4.2 stars, 11 votes)

Don't spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.
Billiam Coronel
(4.1 stars, 11 votes)

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life. (Terry Pratchett)
(4.1 stars, 11 votes)

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. (Johnny Carson)
(4.0 stars, 11 votes)

I work very hard. Please don't expect me to think as well. (Ashleigh Brilliant)
(3.8 stars, 11 votes)

Love your enemies. At least they don't try to borrow money from you. -Leonard Louis Levinson
(3.7 stars, 11 votes)

I have just discovered the truth, and can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it. -Ashleigh Brilliant
(3.7 stars, 11 votes)

I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
(3.6 stars, 11 votes)

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde
(3.6 stars, 11 votes)

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
(3.6 stars, 11 votes)

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. (Stephen Leacock)
(3.6 stars, 11 votes)

I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
(3.5 stars, 11 votes)

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. (Roger Simon).
(3.5 stars, 11 votes)

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)
(3.2 stars, 11 votes)

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. - Groucho Mark
(3.1 stars, 11 votes)

To any truly impartial person, it would be obvious that I am always right. -Ashleigh Brilliant
(3.1 stars, 11 votes)

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable (O Wilde)
(3.0 stars, 11 votes)

I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common? -Ashleigh Brilliant
(3.0 stars, 11 votes)

Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, nobody I know belongs. -Ashleigh Brilliant
(2.4 stars, 11 votes)

I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".
Jay Leno
(4.2 stars, 12 votes)

Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
(3.9 stars, 12 votes)

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. (Guitry)
(3.9 stars, 12 votes)

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