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Funny Riddles - The Funniest Short Jokes and One Liners

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
(3.7 stars, 43 votes)

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
(3.6 stars, 43 votes)

Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who broke out of prison?
The headline the next day was "Small Medium At Large."
(3.5 stars, 43 votes)

Why do barbers make good drivers?
Because they know all the short cuts.
(4.2 stars, 44 votes)

Why are movie stars so cool?
Because they have many fans!
(4.0 stars, 44 votes)

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
(3.8 stars, 44 votes)

Why are those two couches on top of eachother?
Maybe they are making "love seats".
(3.5 stars, 44 votes)

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.
(3.5 stars, 44 votes)

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
(3.4 stars, 44 votes)

Why do bald people put holes in there pockets?
So they can rub there fingers through their hair.
(3.4 stars, 44 votes)

What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.
(3.3 stars, 44 votes)

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
(4.2 stars, 45 votes)

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
(4.2 stars, 45 votes)

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
(3.9 stars, 45 votes)

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
(3.9 stars, 45 votes)

Why don't aliens eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
(3.8 stars, 45 votes)

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!
(3.8 stars, 45 votes)

Have you heard the joke about the bed...?
It hasn't been made up yet
(3.8 stars, 45 votes)

Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!
(3.7 stars, 45 votes)

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
(3.7 stars, 45 votes)

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
(3.7 stars, 45 votes)

What does the sun drink out of? Sunglasses.
(3.7 stars, 45 votes)

What does an atheist say when she's having an orgasm?
"Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"
(3.4 stars, 45 votes)

What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?
(3.2 stars, 45 votes)

What's the difference between snow men and snow women?
(4.3 stars, 46 votes)

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